Good Grief
Over the years, I've had a variety of different health-related blogs and I used to belong to various health-related email lists and forums. I left all those email lists and forums and it has taken me a lot of years and a lot of trial and error to find a comfortable way to talk about the kinds of stuff I discuss on this blog.
I left those forums in part because drama tended to swirl around me. A really nutshell version of why is on the FAQ:
Both models are rooted in blaming the child and making them feel bad.
It's not uncommon for religion to use the same tactics. People from religious families of the "hellfire and damnation" sort seem to have an especially hard time relating to me in a constructive fashion.
I try to politely say "There might be a better answer that gets better results" and they react with all this baggage like I've just told them they are an abusive parent who was wrong to keep their child alive all these years via the ONLY means previously provided to them.
This happens in part because they've been suppressing their feelings about the whole thing for probably a lot of years. So you lift the lid just a little and it blows up in your face.
Somewhat similarly -- and counterintuitively for some people -- if a child has an abusive parent, the person they vent their enormous anger to is the non-abusive parent. And this sometimes gets misinterpreted by third-parties as if the child is very angry at the non-abusive parent and they sometimes infer this parent is abusive.
No, this parent is the one the child feels safe with.
So something I have experienced way the fuck too much over the years is some cross between an oppressive dictator lifting the lid a little and ending up beheaded plus that "You are the SAFE parent in my life that I can VENT to" phenomenon and the short version is that some people don't behave like they are grateful for what I am doing for them. No, they just kick the ever living shit out of me for stupidly being kind to them.
Yeah, don't do that to me. This blog and the related subreddits etc can all go bye-bye on a moment's notice. I don't have to help you for free if you are going to HURT ME for doing so.
The good news -- and one of the reasons the word Good is in the title of this piece -- is that those Big Feels you are suddenly feeling are very likely because you feel hopeful for the first time in a long time and all those years and years of negative feelings are pouring out of you unexpectedly.
Cool! But do some grief work and don't take it on ME.
Start a journal. Talk to a therapist. Watch a bunch of tear-jerk movies and cry your eyes out. Whatever constructive outlet you can come up with to process that backlog of negative emotion, awesome sauce. But, again: Do NOT take it out ON ME.
You are NOT my child. There are COUNTLESS other people who can potentially find this info and potentially pull the same shitty stunt on me.
And it's already happened too many times for my tastes.
I left those forums in part because drama tended to swirl around me. A really nutshell version of why is on the FAQ:
Q: WHY ARE YOU TRIGGERING ME????Most parents raise their child with either a shame model or a guilt model. It's sort of a short-term convenient means to try to insist on certain behaviors in the absence of an ability to get them to understand why.
A: If you have a history of eating disorder, putting your sick child through hell to keep them alive or some other traumatic backstory and can't deal with reading this without acting like I am somehow HURTING YOU and without feeling entitled to attack me because of it, let me suggest you just NOT read my blog.
Both models are rooted in blaming the child and making them feel bad.
It's not uncommon for religion to use the same tactics. People from religious families of the "hellfire and damnation" sort seem to have an especially hard time relating to me in a constructive fashion.
I try to politely say "There might be a better answer that gets better results" and they react with all this baggage like I've just told them they are an abusive parent who was wrong to keep their child alive all these years via the ONLY means previously provided to them.
A Few Principles
So, if you follow world news and what not, the most likely time to see a bloody revolution in an oppressive regime is shortly after they try to lighten up a bit and quit squelching everyone so very, very hard. People get a small taste of freedom and they want more. They feel a little safer than they've felt and they become emboldened.This happens in part because they've been suppressing their feelings about the whole thing for probably a lot of years. So you lift the lid just a little and it blows up in your face.
Somewhat similarly -- and counterintuitively for some people -- if a child has an abusive parent, the person they vent their enormous anger to is the non-abusive parent. And this sometimes gets misinterpreted by third-parties as if the child is very angry at the non-abusive parent and they sometimes infer this parent is abusive.
No, this parent is the one the child feels safe with.
So something I have experienced way the fuck too much over the years is some cross between an oppressive dictator lifting the lid a little and ending up beheaded plus that "You are the SAFE parent in my life that I can VENT to" phenomenon and the short version is that some people don't behave like they are grateful for what I am doing for them. No, they just kick the ever living shit out of me for stupidly being kind to them.
Yeah, don't do that to me. This blog and the related subreddits etc can all go bye-bye on a moment's notice. I don't have to help you for free if you are going to HURT ME for doing so.
The good news -- and one of the reasons the word Good is in the title of this piece -- is that those Big Feels you are suddenly feeling are very likely because you feel hopeful for the first time in a long time and all those years and years of negative feelings are pouring out of you unexpectedly.
Cool! But do some grief work and don't take it on ME.
Start a journal. Talk to a therapist. Watch a bunch of tear-jerk movies and cry your eyes out. Whatever constructive outlet you can come up with to process that backlog of negative emotion, awesome sauce. But, again: Do NOT take it out ON ME.
You are NOT my child. There are COUNTLESS other people who can potentially find this info and potentially pull the same shitty stunt on me.
And it's already happened too many times for my tastes.
