Genetics and Reproductive Morality
I got married at age nineteen to another nineteen year old. We graduated high school together and are almost exactly the same age, though technically I'm older than him by a few days.
We had our first child "seven years ahead of schedule" when my flakey choice of birth control failed. We had another baby about 2.5 years later after skipping a barrier method of birth control two or three times.
We were talking about having a baby, but we thought it would take longer to conceive. I was surrounded by people saying things like "This one took 8 months (or two years) to conceive!" We thought it would take a few more months, but I seemed to have no trouble conceiving with my ex if I wasn't on hormonal birth control.
At least one doctor has expressed surprise that I had two children without fertility treatments because CF interferes with fertility. I do speculate that my condition may have influenced the fact that they are both boys but I don't actually know.
In my early thirties, I began having migraine headaches. Just a few months prior to that, a relative who had suffered migraines for years happened to mention to me that going off hormonal birth control pills put an end to that.
My migraines lasted for the three weeks that I was on hormonal birth control pills. The week-long break that allowed me to menstruate was migraine-free, so I was suspicious from the get go that it might be The Pill.
The next time I went to refill my birth control pills, they were out of my usual brand and they substituted some other brand. My migraines temporarily went away but then soon came back.
With that additional data, I concluded confidently that my migraines were being caused by the hormonal birth control pills I was taking. So I told my husband "I will take the remaining pills I have on hand and after that we have to come up with a different form of birth control. We have X months in which to decide what to do about it."
He volunteered to have a vasectomy and I agreed to that solution after he convinced me that if we divorced, he would not want children with another woman. He wanted no more children.
So before I and my son were diagnosed with atypical CF, my husband and I had agreed we would have no more children and had arranged permanent birth control. Then I got diagnosed with CF and eventually divorced, thus this blurb from elsewhere on the site:
My feelings on the matter were never that strong. I never had to wonder should I have kids because I had my children before I was diagnosed. I also never had to wonder if it was morally wrong to choose to give my firstborn a sibling based on him having this disorder because I didn't know until well after the fact.
But once I was facing divorce and the dating scene, I did have to decide how I felt about the possibility of accidentally ending up pregnant again with a child with CF. My condition is relatively mild as is my son's. This might not be true if I had another child with CF by a different father.
The original version of the above page gave a bit more detail about my dating-while-divorcing policies but it was getting me weird reactions from people somewhat like when I once mentioned online that the future ex was blond. So I updated the page at some point in a way that was still accurate but which glossed over the details.
I did so in order to protect myself from people trying to convince themselves "This woman will totes sleep with me!" Some men will insist on reading that interpretation into the craziest random details even if I have repeatedly told them in specific "You -- yes, YOU in specific -- are a jackass and I will NEVER SLEEP WITH YOU."
I also did so because my dating policies are easily misinterpreted in a very inflammatory fashion. Since it is a predominantly Caucasian condition, just refusing to engage random White men who are trying to flirt with me without really knowing me was and still is one of my policies.
Having lived with the condition and having raised one child with it, the idea of ending up pregnant out of wedlock with another baby with CF and then possibly abandoned by the father gave me the heebie jeebies. So when random White men who didn't know me well enough to know I had a genetic disorder would get all friendly, a deep dread gripped my soul and it was a distinct turn off causing me at times to run the other direction as quickly as I could.
If someone begins trying to chat me up without first knowing I have a serious genetic disorder, there's no good time to have that conversation. It's awkward as all hell to tell them "up front" about it when they first start flirting and if you wait until there is more solid interest, you are at risk of being accused of bait and switch type behavior -- like you TRICKED them into bonding with you.
That fact is a large part of why I just don't do dating apps and likely never will.
I have seen a number of handicapped people post questions at various places on the internet asking for help with dating profiles. From what I gather, stating up front that you are seriously disabled is a great way to get little to no interest -- except for the occasional weirdo with a fetish who wants you precisely because you are disabled.
People who meet me socially, whether online or off, seem to find me perfectly attractive, often in spite of knowing about my handicap and myriad other hard conversation life details. But a dating app profile is a no-win situation in my eyes.
My longstanding policy is that I'm open about the existence of all the potential "bombs" in my life under circumstances where people can learn those things exist before they are looking for a date. That way, anyone who is going to freak out and run the other direction can just NOT bother to stop and chat me up to begin with.
I don't actually want to know that you LIKED me and thought I was hot until you learned x, y or z about me. Just keep it to yourself and don't waste my time or rub salt in any hurts I may have, thanks.
Many years ago, I saw some TV show, possibly a Law and Order episode where they were investigating something having to do with some fertility clinic. One of the people they interviewed was a woman with Dwarfism who had wanted to intentionally select the embryos that looked like her and they did not allow it and she was not happy about what she felt was unfair discrimination. Other people are allowed to want kids that look like them.
In 2007, I was quoted in a book about parenting children with health issues. I was internet acquainted with one of the authors and she was the mother of two children with CF and she asked if she could use something I said on an email list in one of her chapters.
I think the gist of what I said was along the lines of "No, I don't wish I had not been born this way. I think we are spirits in the material world and I'm probably one of the most impatient people on the planet. Any patience or forebearance I have for others is because I have CF."
She edited down my long-winded, rambly email list remarks and cleaned them up in a manner appropriate for a book and I okay-ed the edited version which probably read a bit more like:
I'm me and having CF is part of what makes me me. I mostly like myself, seemingly more than most people like themselves.
I also like my son with CF. I adore him and always have and he doesn't sit around moping about being born with CF. He also likes himself and -- like me -- just wishes the rest of the world was less broken so our lives would work better.
I certainly do not wish I had not had him. He is one of the best things that ever happened to my life.
I would not intentionally try to have a child with CF. I absolutely would not do what the character in that TV show complained of wanting to do and being denied: Intentionally impose this disorder on a child of mine so I could have a child like me, though I do already have a child like me and I'm crazy about him.
During my divorce, my romantic partners tended to skew non-white. One of my boyfriends spoke of wanting to marry me and wanting to have a baby with me and I told him that would probably be okay because of his ethnicity, since he wasn't Caucasian.
In my youth, I wanted three children and the decision my ex and I made to stop at two kids (due in part to my health issues) was the right call for us but did not cure me of wanting another baby. I did not get over that longing until I unofficially adopted a troubled youth and got badly burned. This boyfriend was in my life before that troubled youth, thus the discussions about possibly having a baby together if we got married.
I don't ever again want to take hormonal birth control pills. I've had a LOT of relatives with various forms of cancer, including breast cancer, and I took care of one of them following her first mastectomy. I once had a doctor say to me "With your family history of cancer, I'm surprised they ever put you on hormonal birth control pills."
So I would RATHER accidentally get knocked up and have another baby than ever again take hormonal birth control pills which could cause me not only migraines but also lead to a diagnosis of CANCER. Thanks, but NO THANKS. Raising another child would be preferable to what cancer does to you.
Due to being chatted up at some point by a wealthy White man, I did wonder what I would do if he and I got together and I turned up pregnant due to being unable to use hormonal birth control and other forms of birth control being generally less reliable.
I wondered would I want an abortion because of my frail health? Would I screen the baby for CF and decide based on that? Would I have the baby and trust that with his money and my knowledge, we could keep the child healthy, CF or no CF -- even knowing that people might accuse me of being pure evil and intentionally having a baby with CF to "prove" my "cockamamie" theories about my health practices?
I never drew a conclusion. I didn't spend THAT much time contemplating the problem space.
The relationship was not entirely a thought experiment but it certainly never reached a place where ending up pregnant by him was a real possibility. My last period was in June of 2015 and I have been alone a lot longer than that, so I no longer really think about such things.
We had our first child "seven years ahead of schedule" when my flakey choice of birth control failed. We had another baby about 2.5 years later after skipping a barrier method of birth control two or three times.
We were talking about having a baby, but we thought it would take longer to conceive. I was surrounded by people saying things like "This one took 8 months (or two years) to conceive!" We thought it would take a few more months, but I seemed to have no trouble conceiving with my ex if I wasn't on hormonal birth control.
At least one doctor has expressed surprise that I had two children without fertility treatments because CF interferes with fertility. I do speculate that my condition may have influenced the fact that they are both boys but I don't actually know.
In my early thirties, I began having migraine headaches. Just a few months prior to that, a relative who had suffered migraines for years happened to mention to me that going off hormonal birth control pills put an end to that.
My migraines lasted for the three weeks that I was on hormonal birth control pills. The week-long break that allowed me to menstruate was migraine-free, so I was suspicious from the get go that it might be The Pill.
The next time I went to refill my birth control pills, they were out of my usual brand and they substituted some other brand. My migraines temporarily went away but then soon came back.
With that additional data, I concluded confidently that my migraines were being caused by the hormonal birth control pills I was taking. So I told my husband "I will take the remaining pills I have on hand and after that we have to come up with a different form of birth control. We have X months in which to decide what to do about it."
He volunteered to have a vasectomy and I agreed to that solution after he convinced me that if we divorced, he would not want children with another woman. He wanted no more children.
So before I and my son were diagnosed with atypical CF, my husband and I had agreed we would have no more children and had arranged permanent birth control. Then I got diagnosed with CF and eventually divorced, thus this blurb from elsewhere on the site:
Other than mostly dating low risk men during my divorce, I never personally wrestled with the questions of reproductive morality. I was spared that element of the disease because I did not have a diagnosis until well after I had children and already had no plans to have more.Heated debates about reproductive morality were a big thing on CF lists back when I belonged to several. It was sort of not uncommon for people to make strong statements along the lines of "Only a monster would have more kids after having one with CF, knowing the other children could have it" only to be told something like "You are retroactively trying to MURDER me and how dare you say I should NOT exist, you horrible, horrible person, you."
My feelings on the matter were never that strong. I never had to wonder should I have kids because I had my children before I was diagnosed. I also never had to wonder if it was morally wrong to choose to give my firstborn a sibling based on him having this disorder because I didn't know until well after the fact.
But once I was facing divorce and the dating scene, I did have to decide how I felt about the possibility of accidentally ending up pregnant again with a child with CF. My condition is relatively mild as is my son's. This might not be true if I had another child with CF by a different father.
The original version of the above page gave a bit more detail about my dating-while-divorcing policies but it was getting me weird reactions from people somewhat like when I once mentioned online that the future ex was blond. So I updated the page at some point in a way that was still accurate but which glossed over the details.
I did so in order to protect myself from people trying to convince themselves "This woman will totes sleep with me!" Some men will insist on reading that interpretation into the craziest random details even if I have repeatedly told them in specific "You -- yes, YOU in specific -- are a jackass and I will NEVER SLEEP WITH YOU."
I also did so because my dating policies are easily misinterpreted in a very inflammatory fashion. Since it is a predominantly Caucasian condition, just refusing to engage random White men who are trying to flirt with me without really knowing me was and still is one of my policies.
Having lived with the condition and having raised one child with it, the idea of ending up pregnant out of wedlock with another baby with CF and then possibly abandoned by the father gave me the heebie jeebies. So when random White men who didn't know me well enough to know I had a genetic disorder would get all friendly, a deep dread gripped my soul and it was a distinct turn off causing me at times to run the other direction as quickly as I could.
If someone begins trying to chat me up without first knowing I have a serious genetic disorder, there's no good time to have that conversation. It's awkward as all hell to tell them "up front" about it when they first start flirting and if you wait until there is more solid interest, you are at risk of being accused of bait and switch type behavior -- like you TRICKED them into bonding with you.
That fact is a large part of why I just don't do dating apps and likely never will.
I have seen a number of handicapped people post questions at various places on the internet asking for help with dating profiles. From what I gather, stating up front that you are seriously disabled is a great way to get little to no interest -- except for the occasional weirdo with a fetish who wants you precisely because you are disabled.
People who meet me socially, whether online or off, seem to find me perfectly attractive, often in spite of knowing about my handicap and myriad other hard conversation life details. But a dating app profile is a no-win situation in my eyes.
My longstanding policy is that I'm open about the existence of all the potential "bombs" in my life under circumstances where people can learn those things exist before they are looking for a date. That way, anyone who is going to freak out and run the other direction can just NOT bother to stop and chat me up to begin with.
I don't actually want to know that you LIKED me and thought I was hot until you learned x, y or z about me. Just keep it to yourself and don't waste my time or rub salt in any hurts I may have, thanks.
Many years ago, I saw some TV show, possibly a Law and Order episode where they were investigating something having to do with some fertility clinic. One of the people they interviewed was a woman with Dwarfism who had wanted to intentionally select the embryos that looked like her and they did not allow it and she was not happy about what she felt was unfair discrimination. Other people are allowed to want kids that look like them.
In 2007, I was quoted in a book about parenting children with health issues. I was internet acquainted with one of the authors and she was the mother of two children with CF and she asked if she could use something I said on an email list in one of her chapters.
I think the gist of what I said was along the lines of "No, I don't wish I had not been born this way. I think we are spirits in the material world and I'm probably one of the most impatient people on the planet. Any patience or forebearance I have for others is because I have CF."
She edited down my long-winded, rambly email list remarks and cleaned them up in a manner appropriate for a book and I okay-ed the edited version which probably read a bit more like:
I'm me and having CF is part of what makes me me. I mostly like myself, seemingly more than most people like themselves.
I also like my son with CF. I adore him and always have and he doesn't sit around moping about being born with CF. He also likes himself and -- like me -- just wishes the rest of the world was less broken so our lives would work better.
I certainly do not wish I had not had him. He is one of the best things that ever happened to my life.
I would not intentionally try to have a child with CF. I absolutely would not do what the character in that TV show complained of wanting to do and being denied: Intentionally impose this disorder on a child of mine so I could have a child like me, though I do already have a child like me and I'm crazy about him.
During my divorce, my romantic partners tended to skew non-white. One of my boyfriends spoke of wanting to marry me and wanting to have a baby with me and I told him that would probably be okay because of his ethnicity, since he wasn't Caucasian.
In my youth, I wanted three children and the decision my ex and I made to stop at two kids (due in part to my health issues) was the right call for us but did not cure me of wanting another baby. I did not get over that longing until I unofficially adopted a troubled youth and got badly burned. This boyfriend was in my life before that troubled youth, thus the discussions about possibly having a baby together if we got married.
I don't ever again want to take hormonal birth control pills. I've had a LOT of relatives with various forms of cancer, including breast cancer, and I took care of one of them following her first mastectomy. I once had a doctor say to me "With your family history of cancer, I'm surprised they ever put you on hormonal birth control pills."
So I would RATHER accidentally get knocked up and have another baby than ever again take hormonal birth control pills which could cause me not only migraines but also lead to a diagnosis of CANCER. Thanks, but NO THANKS. Raising another child would be preferable to what cancer does to you.
Due to being chatted up at some point by a wealthy White man, I did wonder what I would do if he and I got together and I turned up pregnant due to being unable to use hormonal birth control and other forms of birth control being generally less reliable.
I wondered would I want an abortion because of my frail health? Would I screen the baby for CF and decide based on that? Would I have the baby and trust that with his money and my knowledge, we could keep the child healthy, CF or no CF -- even knowing that people might accuse me of being pure evil and intentionally having a baby with CF to "prove" my "cockamamie" theories about my health practices?
I never drew a conclusion. I didn't spend THAT much time contemplating the problem space.
The relationship was not entirely a thought experiment but it certainly never reached a place where ending up pregnant by him was a real possibility. My last period was in June of 2015 and I have been alone a lot longer than that, so I no longer really think about such things.
