One Day at a Time
During tough periods, I still take things one day at a time. I still have days where just trying to get a few groceries, make sure we all eat, get a shower and similar tasks is all I can cope with.
At such times, Bread and Circus is my policy. It's a tried and true policy that works.
But some periods are tougher than others and getting divorced was one of the tougher times in my life.
I was diagnosed right before I turned 36 with a condition with a life expectancy of thirty six. I was extremely sick and didn't know how much longer I would live.
So I felt clear that I needed to leave to have any hope of survival and I didn't know how to survive leaving. I didn't know how to support the three of us and I was quite terrified.
In fact, if I thought too much about it, I was frozen with fear and couldn't manage to take the next step that I needed to take. So I doubled down on the policy of Bread and Circus and made sure to avoid thinking too much about how scary this was.
The divorce was amicable and my husband was very supportive. We took more than two years to wrap up our divorce, in part because of my health situation.
In addiction treatment circles, they have a saying: Change your people, your places and your things. This is a best practice that is known to help break the cycle of addiction, but probably not for the reasons most people seem to think.
Like me, you might get to a point where you feel your partner is keeping you sick and leaving is the only answer that makes sense for your health. Like me, you may also have practical issues that make this a frightening prospect.
If you are unwell and in a relationship, you may be financially dependent upon your partner to some degree or other. You may also depend upon them for a lot of practical details that you have no idea how you will address if you split.
This post is NOT being written to tell you that you MUST split up with your partner. It is being written to tell you that IF it becomes clear in your mind that this is essential to your ability to get healthier, it's possible to focus on the practical details and put blinders on concerning how scary it is.
Some best practices:
This was very, very hard on me. I likely had a mild form of heart attack (or heart failure?) that day. I no longer remember the name of the condition in question -- I looked stuff up at some point -- but something that is usually not deadly.
I would lay down while they loaded the truck, then get up and go with him to help him unload it. So I spent most of the day laying down in order to get through this.
I never mentioned how much physical distress I was in. I never saw a doctor for this incident.
I already had my own hypotheses concerning WHY I was reacting so badly to his stuff going -- it was a form of withdrawal -- and I was very, very clear that he needed to move out if I was going to live. I didn't want him or a doctor concluding that I was too sick for him to leave.
I felt being told by a doctor that I wasn't allowed to get divorced or having my husband conclude I was too sick for him to leave me would be a death sentence and my only hope of living was to get him OUT. So I just handled the physical distress this was causing me by myself, without medical intervention.
I am NOT recommending that as a method.
So I've done some really hard and scary things to get well, but I did them because I was confident it was the right thing to do.
I was able to leave because I felt so sure that staying would kill me and leaving was the only hope I had of getting better and I was already seeing forward progress.
It's been a couple of decades since I told him "I want a divorce" and I'm much healthier now. Life has proven me correct in my belief that I could get healthier if he left, etc.
I am NOT telling you to "have faith in me." DO NOT DO ANYTHING on this website on a basis of blind trust in me having said it.
I've never met you. I'm not your physician.
This post is just being written to say that if you are clear it's the right thing to do, fear and logistical details can be managed and above are a few tips on how to do that.
I was clear staying would KILL ME, so I felt that marriage clause saying "til death do us part" was fulfilled and I didn't feel I needed to ACTUALLY die. I felt free to leave. Death was parting us -- or at least the spectre of death -- and that was sufficient for me.
If you are religious and feel you need to stay until the relationship kills you, I encourage you to talk to a minister/rabbi/whatever the title is for your faith and check if they would agree with that conclusion. I doubt it.
If your local religious leadership feels you need to literally die of medical abuse at the hands of your spouse "in order to get into heaven" or whatever, I encourage you to contact someone ABOVE them and/or consider changing churches, changing denominations or even changing faiths.
Please keep in mind that some faiths allow for physical and legal separation without divorce. (Though SOME religions the world would definitely be better off without.)
At such times, Bread and Circus is my policy. It's a tried and true policy that works.
But some periods are tougher than others and getting divorced was one of the tougher times in my life.
I was diagnosed right before I turned 36 with a condition with a life expectancy of thirty six. I was extremely sick and didn't know how much longer I would live.
I ultimately concluded that I needed to leave my marriage if I was going to have any hope of getting healthier and surviving...Three different friends of mine adamantly insisted that I could not leave my husband because I was too sick to survive without him.I had been a homemaker for a long time. I had never had a full-time paid job. I had two dependent children, one of whom has the same diagnosis I have.
So I felt clear that I needed to leave to have any hope of survival and I didn't know how to survive leaving. I didn't know how to support the three of us and I was quite terrified.
In fact, if I thought too much about it, I was frozen with fear and couldn't manage to take the next step that I needed to take. So I doubled down on the policy of Bread and Circus and made sure to avoid thinking too much about how scary this was.
The divorce was amicable and my husband was very supportive. We took more than two years to wrap up our divorce, in part because of my health situation.
In addiction treatment circles, they have a saying: Change your people, your places and your things. This is a best practice that is known to help break the cycle of addiction, but probably not for the reasons most people seem to think.
Like me, you might get to a point where you feel your partner is keeping you sick and leaving is the only answer that makes sense for your health. Like me, you may also have practical issues that make this a frightening prospect.
If you are unwell and in a relationship, you may be financially dependent upon your partner to some degree or other. You may also depend upon them for a lot of practical details that you have no idea how you will address if you split.
This post is NOT being written to tell you that you MUST split up with your partner. It is being written to tell you that IF it becomes clear in your mind that this is essential to your ability to get healthier, it's possible to focus on the practical details and put blinders on concerning how scary it is.
Some best practices:
- Focus on milestones not deadlines. You need to hit certain marks. Hitting those marks matters far more than when you hit them.
- If necessary, plan your exit for a time before notifying your partner that you have decided you need out. I decided that I needed to get divorced if at all possible about a year before I felt ready to tell my husband that this was my intention.
- Skip the blame game. My divorce was amicable because I told him "I'm tired of hurting you. I'm tired of being hurt. I think we've both given it our best and if we could do this dance, we would have figured it out by now. I want a divorce." I blamed my medical situation, not him and not me.
- Tend to practical logistics, like throwing things out and separating your belongings from theirs. This will be hard on you if you are unwell. Make it a priority.
Long before we filed any paperwork, I began very slowly moving all of his stuff into the master bedroom and all of my stuff out of the bedroom and into the dining room. I bought a sleeper loveseat for the dining room and began sleeping in the dining room.At some point, I insisted he rent a storage room and we moved a bunch of his stuff out of the apartment. The kids helped him load stuff into the vehicle and I went with him and helped him unload the vehicle and put it in the storeroom.
This was very, very hard on me. I likely had a mild form of heart attack (or heart failure?) that day. I no longer remember the name of the condition in question -- I looked stuff up at some point -- but something that is usually not deadly.
I would lay down while they loaded the truck, then get up and go with him to help him unload it. So I spent most of the day laying down in order to get through this.
I never mentioned how much physical distress I was in. I never saw a doctor for this incident.
I already had my own hypotheses concerning WHY I was reacting so badly to his stuff going -- it was a form of withdrawal -- and I was very, very clear that he needed to move out if I was going to live. I didn't want him or a doctor concluding that I was too sick for him to leave.
I felt being told by a doctor that I wasn't allowed to get divorced or having my husband conclude I was too sick for him to leave me would be a death sentence and my only hope of living was to get him OUT. So I just handled the physical distress this was causing me by myself, without medical intervention.
I am NOT recommending that as a method.
So I've done some really hard and scary things to get well, but I did them because I was confident it was the right thing to do.
I was able to leave because I felt so sure that staying would kill me and leaving was the only hope I had of getting better and I was already seeing forward progress.
It's been a couple of decades since I told him "I want a divorce" and I'm much healthier now. Life has proven me correct in my belief that I could get healthier if he left, etc.
I am NOT telling you to "have faith in me." DO NOT DO ANYTHING on this website on a basis of blind trust in me having said it.
I've never met you. I'm not your physician.
This post is just being written to say that if you are clear it's the right thing to do, fear and logistical details can be managed and above are a few tips on how to do that.
Footnote
I'm not religious but I took my marriage vows very seriously. My oldest son has said he was like a teen or something before he figured out that being disinclined to get divorced was associated with religion because he knew his parents were like that and neither of us is religious.I was clear staying would KILL ME, so I felt that marriage clause saying "til death do us part" was fulfilled and I didn't feel I needed to ACTUALLY die. I felt free to leave. Death was parting us -- or at least the spectre of death -- and that was sufficient for me.
If you are religious and feel you need to stay until the relationship kills you, I encourage you to talk to a minister/rabbi/whatever the title is for your faith and check if they would agree with that conclusion. I doubt it.
If your local religious leadership feels you need to literally die of medical abuse at the hands of your spouse "in order to get into heaven" or whatever, I encourage you to contact someone ABOVE them and/or consider changing churches, changing denominations or even changing faiths.
Please keep in mind that some faiths allow for physical and legal separation without divorce. (Though SOME religions the world would definitely be better off without.)
