Hexavalent Chromium

I am probably still dumping hexavalent chromium. I had a coffee last night and this led to sudden onset, severe diarrhea a little while later. This was followed by me eventually sleeping hard.

I've only had about four hours of sleep so far and I'm still exhausted. My son woke me up so we could do snacks and drinks.

He noted that the floor where I had been laying remained quite warm for a surprising amount of time after I got up, so I must be running a bad fever.

We talked about my history of dumping hexavalent chromium and how extremely ugly this has been in the past. It has often been extreme torture and incapacitating. In contrast, I am continuing to run errands instead of saying "Someone else just has to do this. I just can't."

I'm still failing to do freelance writing and stressing about it. But, no, I don't have severe eye pain and I am not having a head full of disturbing violent imagery and I'm not simply incapable of getting up off the floor and I'm not puking at all, much less for hours at a time or something.

We concluded that the violent imagery was likely infection coming out of the visual cortex. This has implications for the world at large in terms of "maybe some violent criminals literally have a brain infection helping to make them violent."

Anyway, my sons keep reassuring me we will get through this, our lives are slowly coming together, our problems are small potatoes compared to what the rest of the world is going through, etc. But I cannot find my way back to a state of calm or something.

I cannot manage to feel okay about anything. My anxiety levels are high. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated as all hell.

But it's helpful that my sons are so calm about everything. And it sometimes does get through to me to some degree that the rest of the world is having violent protests and the like and our little corner of the world is a relative oasis of calm compared to much of the rest of the world. They are sometimes able to score some points in terms of convincing me that "the rest of the world is just going to absolute hell and our problems are manageable compared to that."

It doesn't feel manageable. I feel helpless because of how exhausted I am all the time here lately.