107am

As I site down to write, it is just after 1 am. We have just finished our first meal of the day, having semi-fasted all day because we were broke. Then money showed up, I bought some snacks and drinks and got us a pizza from the 7-11 and I'm more or less broke again. But we should be okay for another day-ish.

Me and my oldest feel nauseous from semi-fasting. It pretty frequently provokes vomiting. I bought us some ginger ale when I got drinks and snacks from the grocery store to help with the nausea.

I hate semi-fasting. It's awful and I never do it unless I'm broke, but it does help with my condition. However, it's utterly miserable to endure.

I think the 31st of December is when I threw up epically from semi-fasting for a couple of days. I spent an hour throwing up huge quantities of GUNK on an empty stomach and then was too exhausted to stand, too miserable to sleep, too dehydrated to throw up further.

I drew myself a bath and fell asleep in the bath because it helped with the dehydration and helped me be less miserable, enough such that it allowed me to sleep.

It took an entire month to recover from that incident, but I've been generally healthier ever since.

I mention it was GUNK because I normally mostly vomit up fluid with a little bit of gunk in it. I did some research and some of that gunk is likely bile. I'm not clear what all of it is.

But I was not throwing up much fluid that night. It was all STUFF of some sort, and not food.

So something awful came out of my system, large quantities of awfulness and it was very physical, not mostly fluid. Mostly more tangible than that.

I can't quite think of the right descriptor. I mean it was clearly physical components of my system in some sense, something more than fluids.

And ever since, I am dramatically less symptomatic for CF. I'm much more functional overall than I have been in years.

I don't know if I am going to end up throwing up or not. I'm still not doing freelance writing and I'm enormously frustrated.

That's the other thing I intended to write about when I sat down: I managed to find a replacement spritzer yesterday and we threw the old one out. The old one was contaminated and my son tells me that's why I failed to work all weekend.

I am just ready to spit nails. This is the most frustrating stuff.

Let's see...frustration. It's a symptom of a nutrient deficiency, I think selenium. Cheese and beans have selenium. I did just have some pizza.

So I probably need to keep eating cheesy stuff, if possible.

I don't know where the hell I'm heading and it's making me crazy. I sometimes have a mental map of like the rest of the month or whatever, a sense of generally how things will play out. I don't right now and I always drive my kids crazy when I don't because I ask them if we are okay and where we are headed like 5 million times a day and they stop engaging with me when I do that too much.

They did get more patient with some of my crap when we figured out while we were homeless that when I'm really sick and feverish, I have short-term memory issues. So when I double-check some things with them frequently, they realize sometimes it's because I just can't remember anything.

At such times, I make shopping lists on my phone and take my phone with me. Otherwise, I go to the store to get three items and can't remember them all.

In my twenties, I never used a calendar to keep track of anything. I kept doctor's appointments and the like in my head for the entire next year for me and both kids. So I'm used to being able to remember a LOT of stuff without writing anything down and I feel incredibly impaired if I actually NEED a shopping list.

I used to have a not-quite-photographic memory and could do things like quote entire paragraphs almost verbatim that I had written in an email or whatever for the next six weeks. Yeah, those days are gone.